Time elapsed in this book: 2 weeks
Length of their junior year: 2 years, 1 month, 2 weeks
Jessica’s love interest: The Tofu-Glo product lineup. Also (briefly) Neil Freemount
Entertainment rating: 9/10 (Subplot is at least a 10/10; main plot is like a 7/10)
It’s the B-plot in this book that absolutely makes the book what it is! I’m pretty sure that everyone who read Sweet Valley High remembers Jessica’s infamous Tofu-Glo sales job. This is the book! Whichever ghostwriter created this subplot was a genius. The main plot is fine, but it pales in comparison. Tofu-Glo should have been the main plot in here. It is ICONIC.
The cover: Liz is defending her boyfriend, Jeffrey, from his best friend, Aaron, who wants to punch him. For some reason, I always thought Aaron was blond. Not sure where I got this idea, but he’s definitely a brunette on the cover and his hair color is not mentioned in this book. Anyway, this cover could totally be a portrait of Todd “I love a good punch” Wilkins readying his fists for the next fight.
We open with the subplot, not the main plot. Jess tells Liz that she’s going to become a Tofu-Glo girl, selling a line of beauty and health products made from soybeans. Products include “Tofu-Shampu,” which is A+ naming right there. Liz is skeptical but figures Jess is a born saleswoman so she’ll be great at it. Jess just needs $150 for the initial investment and then she’ll be on her way to becoming a millionaire!
Liz goes to watch Jeffrey at soccer practice and catches Aaron Dallas, Jeffrey’s best friend, getting mad at Tony Esteban for making a bad call. He yells and swears, and the coach finally has to intervene. In the stands, Liz and Enid talk about how Aaron always seems to be angry lately. When Liz talks to Jeffrey about it later, he downplays it and tells Liz to give him a break.
That night, Liz and Jeffrey go on a double date with Aaron and his girlfriend, Heather Sanford. Liz tries to enjoy the movie but Heather keeps whispering to her about how amazing the costumes are. Liz thinks Heather is vapid and wants her to shut up. Liz also judges Heather for being overly dressed up for a night at the movie theater. They get ice cream afterward, and some of the guys from the soccer team show up. Aaron gets into an argument with them and looks ready to punch someone before Jeffrey pries him away. Heather baby talks to Aaron, which makes him calm down. Liz is embarrassed for everyone and tells Jeffrey they need to leave.
The Tofu-Glo products arrive! Jess is excited. There’s more of it than she expected, but she figures she’ll have no problem selling it all. She plans to have a big party and invites everyone she knows, including Enid and Heather. When she invites Lila, Lila says it’s déclassé to be a salesperson, and Jess says that since Lila just lives off her dad’s money, she doesn’t have any incentive to take initiative in life. Zing! Lila ignores the barb and says she’ll be there.
The party is a hit. Jess serves all sorts of health food snacks like granola bars, soy chips, and mineral water. She tells them she’s their Tofu-Glo girl and that the products work so well that she’s offering a money back guarantee. Almost everyone puts in an order for something.
When Heather leaves the party, Liz says she’s glad to be free of Heather, then imitates the way that Heather baby talked to Aaron the other night. Everyone who hears Liz laughs, and Enid jokingly tells Liz that she’s terrible. Liz suddenly feels embarrassed for making fun of Heather like this and stops.
We cut to Heather’s point of view. She’s really into fashion and wants to become a fashion designer. She knows that Liz doesn’t like her and saw the way Liz looked at her when she baby talked to Aaron. Heather doesn’t know what else to do, since Aaron only ever seems to calm down from his anger when she baby talks, which is why she does it, but it was embarrassing to have others witness it.
Liz goes to watch the soccer practice. There’s a championship game in a week, and Liz is writing an article about the team for The Oracle. She realizes that Aaron is the star of the soccer team and that even though she doesn’t like him much lately, she can’t deny that he’s a great player and decides he should be featured in her article. Suddenly, one of the other players cuts Aaron off on the field, and Aaron starts screaming at him. Aaron pummels the guy’s face! The coach breaks up the fight and tells Aaron that if he gets into one more fight, even if it’s not during practice, he’s off the team. In the meantime, he’s suspended until Thursday. Aaron is furious. In private, he starts to cry, thinking about how his parents are divorcing (obviously the root cause of his current emotional instability) and how everyone seems to expect too much from him! Liz for her part decides that, as a reporter, it’s her duty to write an article about Aaron getting into a fight and being suspended from the team. I’m not sure where Liz gets off being so judgmental about Aaron punching others, since she dated Todd “my fists speak for themselves” Wilkins. I guess she thinks Todd’s punches are punches of passion, whereas Aaron’s punches are punches of anger.
Jess goes door to door around the neighborhood to sell more Tofu-Glo products. Her charm works wonders and she sells a lot. One potential customer asks to try the product before purchasing it, and Jess agrees. She opens a jar of Soya-Soft cream, which smells revolting. Jess is taken aback but assured the woman that the smell goes away. The customer looks skeptical but rubs some into her skin anyway. It doesn’t sink in. It just sits on the surface of her skin as a smelly, greasy mess. She doesn’t buy anything. Jess goes home, a little embarrassed. The phone rings and it’s Cara, who says she used the Tofu-Shampu and it won’t wash out! Her hair is now a disgusting mess, and she wants her money back. Jess tells her mom about this, and Mrs. Wakefield asks if Jess had the same problem when she tried it. Jess admits that she hasn’t tried any of the Tofu-Glo products. Her mom says she should, so Jess heads upstairs to test them out.
Jess opens a bottle of Tofu-Shampu and it smells just as rank as the Soya-Soft cream. It lathers up like it should, but it won’t rinse out. No matter how much water she uses, there are still suds. She eventually gives up and steps out of the shower with her hair sticking together. Jess opens a jar of Tofu-Clean. It smells just as gross as the other products, but Jess puts it on her face and is happy that she’s able to wash it off. But then her skin feels tight and irritated and turns bright red. Jess has to cancel her date with Neil Freemount that night because she doesn’t want to go out with her face looking like a tomato. She gets more calls from other unhappy customers, and everyone wants their money back. The cherry on top comes when Prince Albert (who’s back to being a golden Labrador puppy in this book) carries a contained of Soya-Life downstairs in his mouth, drops it on the floor, and then barks at it reproachfully.
Liz’s article about Aaron gets published (how?!??) and, unsurprisingly, not everyone is happy about it. Jeffrey asks Liz why she wrote it and Liz says it was her duty as a reporter to report what happened. I mean, it’s not really anyone’s duty to write an article about another student getting suspended, but sure. Jeffrey tells Liz that Aaron was so angry about the article that he almost hit Jeffrey! Liz asks if Jeffrey hears himself because clearly this proves that Aaron has an anger issue. I agree with Liz about Aaron having anger issues but also think she’s being insufferable, since she didn’t need to write the article.
Heather approaches Liz, and Liz doesn’t want to deal with her judgment too. But to her surprise, Heather tells Liz she’s glad she wrote the article because Aaron does have an anger issue and he needs help. Heather mentions in passing that she sewed the outfit she’s wearing, and Liz suddenly realizes that when Heather talks about fashion, it’s not because she’s an airhead; it’s because she has an actual passion for it. Ugh. Again, Liz is insufferable.
Jess calls the Tofu-Glo company, but they won’t refund her money because the products all spoiled. Apparently everything was supposed to be stored in the refrigerator; this was printed on the bottom of the bottles. Jess is frustrated because who ever heard of storing shampoo in the fridge?!
On Thursday, Liz and Jeffrey run into Aaron and Heather at school. Aaron tells Liz that he’s waiting on her to apologize, and Liz can’t believe he has the nerve to ask for this. Jeffrey comes to Liz’s defense and says that Aaron thinks everyone owes him an apology these days and that maybe he’s the one who should apologize to people, like the guy he punched at practice, because he’s acting like a spoiled brat. Aaron is furious at Jeffrey for this remark and punches him in the mouth!
Aaron runs away, and Heather races after him. She tells him that he needs to talk to someone, like Mrs. Green, the school guidance counselor. Aaron agrees. Jeffrey and Liz also agree that Aaron needs to talk to a therapist. This book was seriously ahead of its time for its support of therapy for dealing with anger issues. Jeffrey and Aaron make up, as do Liz and Aaron. Aaron goes to talk to Mrs. Green, who is helpful. She calls Aaron’s dad, since problems at home are the root cause, and Aaron’s dad agrees to go to counseling with Aaron. Mrs. Green then talks to the coach, who of course has heard about the fight, and Mrs. Green says that what would really help Aaron is staying on the soccer team, so Coach Horner agrees to keep Aaron on the team!
In the bleachers at the soccer championship, some girls ask Liz to do her imitation of Heather’s baby voice again. Liz refuses, since she now respects Heather (clearly it’s only okay to make fun of someone if you don’t respect them…). Heather overhears this, to Liz’s dismay, but instead of getting mad at Liz, she tells the group that her sister does a better impersonation of her. Heather then starts imitating what Liz’s Eyes and Ears gossip column sounds like in The Oracle. And with this, everything is apparently smoothed over between them.
Jess calls a place called Dirty Don’s Disposal to haul away all the rotting Tofu-Glo products. I can’t read the name of this company without laughing! Dirty Don tells Jess it’ll cost $50 to haul everything away and an extra $10 if she wants it done that day, which she does. Neighborhood dogs have already starts sniffing around their house because of the scent. Dirty Don comes out to pick everything up and tells her it’ll be $65. Jess says he only quoted her $60 on the phone! He says the extra $5 is because she didn’t mention how much the product stinks. The entire endeavor has ended up costing her money!
Jess is miserable until her dad comes home and mentions that he did some research into Tofu-Glo since he wanted to know more about what kind of company it was. Turns out, there was a class action lawsuit against the company (I’m surprised he wasn’t the lawyer for this, since he handles pretty much every other case) and all Tofu-Glo girls are being reimbursed for their expenses! Jess will receive $300 from the company, which means she ended up making money from this venture after all!
Up next: High school dropout Johanna Porter returns to SVH for a second chance!